[SIZE=7][COLOR=red]As I sit here lookin over the side of the cliff down at the ragin river, I can't help but think of how the river looks how I feel inside. My personal demons seem to rage within me, screamin to get out. It's gettin harder and harder to hold em at bay. I know I have to deal with these soon instead of holdin em off, but it scares me to even think about doin so. Ya think ya know someone, really know them, to be blindsided by them. I'll can't keep this charade up and keep my sanity intact.[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[SIZE=7][COLOR=red]One wonderful thing about this time of the year, the mask that I can wear and no one will know the difference.[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[SIZE=7][COLOR=red]*Each word is made with heavy ink marks, some holes from the plume indicates the anger*

I cannot .... I must not ... I WILL NOT ........... *the rest of the words are marked out in very heavy ink, making them unreadable*[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[SIZE=7][COLOR=red]Ahhh the sounds, sites, and smells of Fall Fest. It has always been able to bring a smile to my face no matter what the turmoil is that rages inside of me. To see all the smilin faces and to hear the laughter around me, especially from the guild, does it really get any better than that?

The guild is in the final plannin stages for the party the last day of the festival. I am so excited to be able to witness what they come up with. Of course with Cel and Lil doin all the plannin, could things ever go any easier?

With all the costumes runnin around and people playin the part, it does take a lot out of me. I'm findin myself tryin to escape to a quiet spot to regain what lil sanity I have left. It is all in fun, which I do know this, but it's the unknown that I don't like, never have, never will. With each person that sneaks up on me, it's all I can do not to strike out first then ask questions. I guess that's the one thing that will stick with me through all this. If that's the case, I will learn to deal with it to the best of my abilities and not let it get out of control.[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[SIZE=7][COLOR=red]I ain't sure if I did the right thing or not, but I did it for myself. I escaped. Some may think I'm runnin, if that's the case, oh well. I have got to get my mind straight. I ain't any good to anyone the way I am right now. I know I can't stay away for long, but I am hopin I can get a few turns away before I gotta return.

I have come to terms with the idea of if they don't understand the need, then I don't need em. I've got so much goin through my head at the moment, I don't know which way is up. I'm still hearin the sound of bones crunchin when it's silent. I still wake up shakin when I do try to rest. It takes me at least a marc to realize where I'm at, to know, that for now, I am safe.

They tell me they are there for me and will help me in any way I need it. How can anyone help when all ya wantin is for the nightmares to stop and for things to go back the way they were before this all happened? How can I make it right? How can I go back to bein my old self?

I did come to a realization last turn. I made sure to seek out Cody and told him what I was thinkin. Rather it helps em or not figure out what this thing is wantin, I ain't sure, but at least I know I was able to go to him and know that he would take me serious.

Now to find where I'm at right now in life and figure out where it is I'm wantin to go. I am only certain of a few things, Spyne, my close friends, and the guild. Other than that, I don't know what to do.[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[SIZE=7][COLOR=red]All that keeps runnin through my head right now is ... why? Why did it, whatever it is, choose me? Why ... why ... why ... why?

It's hard, keepin what's really goin on with me from those that I love. To let them see the pain I really am in, that would be my undoin. So I go about laughin and actin like nothin is wrong when on the inside I am terrified. It is all I can do to steady my hand when I pull out my dagger, lift a mug of ale, or even try to write. It is all I can do not to jump at any sudden sound and not be ready to fight.

Right now all I can do is pray to the Gods that they give me the strength I need to protect the ones I love, the guild and these lands.[/SIZE][/COLOR]

[COLOR=red][SIZE=7]So it would appear that I have to use caution around a few of em. They keep threatenin me with ribbons and glitter. Don't they know I hate that kind of stuff? I'm startin to think they do it just to get a rise out of me. But I do love to make em laugh, so it's all in good fun, I hope at least.

I ain't laughed like I have laughed in a while and I know it's cause of the guild. I have not had to worry about anythin for a while. They seem to be havin fun and enjoyin the guild hall so much here lately. It seems everyone has been in a good mood every time I've been awake. I just hope they don't get too complacent with things. It would seem that is when trouble likes to come knockin on the door.[/COLOR][/SIZE]

[SIZE=7][COLOR=red]Upon wakin last turn I received word from a dear friend askin if I was ok. At the time I didn't know what she meant by it and asked her about it. It would seem she thought I had the talk with someone that I've been waitin to talk to for many cycles now. They have returned from the trip they took, or so I hear. Now I'm waitin to actually have that talk with them. I really hate the waitin game. I guess that's why I'm so impulsive on so many things.

Now if I can only make a certain someone understand what I'm tryin to do. I think we both ain't understandin each other. He might never understand where I'm tryin to come from nor I him. All it's doin is makin me want to pull my hair out at the moment. Maybe once I get finished with what I'm doin he will finally be able to see it .... BLEH ... another wait and see moment. All I can do at this moment is pray that the Gods give me patience that I ain't ever had.[/SIZE][/COLOR]